


I think I Understand....

by Akaior



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Inspired by Music, Just random ideas, idk tbh, sad I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 04:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17760002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaior/pseuds/Akaior
Summary: Just Gavin taking time to look back on himself and realizing things have change, but not necessarily for the worse, while Rk900 (Nines) promise to try to understand what Gavin is feeling.





	I think I Understand....

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't know just listening to (Julia Michaels - Anxiety ft. Selena Gomez) and for some reason Gavin came into my head ....and I guess i just felt the need to write it..this..idk

Gavin was laying on the floor of his apartment looking up at the ceiling, cigarette in one hand and petting his cat, that was curled up next to his hip, with the other. He really doesn’t know what brought any of this on maybe it was the rain tapping on his window or the silence of his apartment when he came in. But he fixed the silence with the music playing through his apartment; that had to be it, the music, well more like the song that was playing that he put on loop. It was an old song, but it meant a lot to him, because for the first time when he was a kid he felt like someone understood what it was like to feel the way he did, the way he does even still today. The song wasn’t loud or had a hard bass, no, it was soft and just understanding, no matter how old it was or how old he was, it just struck a chord with him, one that helped when he needed and didn’t know how to say he needed help. It was making him look back at himself, at all he’s done, said, and felt, but not in a bad way, just in a way to make him understand himself. He let’s out a small huff of laughter; his social worker had to writhing in her desk; he’s never talked, he hates exposing himself like this, it didn’t matter how, but this one little song was making him do just that. Fuck he had to be going soft or maybe he’s tried, yeah, that would do, he was tried from a day filled with nothing but desk work and occasional talks with coworkers.

He wasn’t fooling himself or anyone with that considering work was, for the most part, what he was thinking about, more specifically his relationship with Nines. Maybe hell finally froze over? Because out of all impossibility Nines and he were getting along, in fact they been getting along nicely for months, and Gavin can’t seem to pinpoint were the change had started or why even. Well he had some reason as for why, but not the world went upside down reason at least, maybe it was a series of whys and a slow and steady change of attitude and views. In fact, if he really investigates it, he’s changed a lot from how he was, and Tina Chen was the first change, like a really big change; he had never really had friends growing up. He just kind of figured as a kid if no one would take him as is he’d change and when changing himself didn’t work and left him feeling even worse then before, then fuck ‘em, who needs friends and people anyway. Yeah, his cat was enough for him and she still is; lord fucking knows she’s got him through the worst of days and stopped him from doing something he would maybe regret on the lows. But for some reason Tina was add into that very small circle, she had somehow wiggled her way in to be an unknowing support system for him, she had mange to become the sister he never had and the mom friend he really needs. His survival and self-perseveration were shit as was his social life, at least on his own, with Tina is was an acceptable social life for a human being.

Then there was Chris, man, Chris was really the brother he had wish he had; Chris was just like Tina always looking out for him, making sure he was ok. Chris who despite having a family to go home to followed him head on into danger to make sure he made it to see another day and be thankful for it. He won’t think on how that makes him seem as a person. Yet, he is, and he knows it’s selfish of him; man, he owes a drink or something that just said thank you that didn’t make him say it out loud. Gavin wasn’t ready for that just yet. Chris, who talks him down from stupid decision, who thinks he’s better than that when he’s not, he’s not that good of a guy but damn Chris faith makes his heart ache a bit; he doesn’t know if it’s in a good way, bad way, or just both. Both, yeah, it’s both, aching in a good way because someone believes in him because someone believes in him even when he didn’t it makes him want to do better and not let Chris down for all he’s done for him. But he aches in a bad way because it makes him wish someone had that faith in him when he was a kid, that someone, anyone believed in him that way maybe he would have been ok when he’s the age he is now. Then again maybe not, but…it would have been nice…to have even if it was just one…

Great, now he’s thinking about his mom…but maybe he really should try and move on from that…shouldn’t he? Like would everything just suddenly snap and everything would be better? He sighs, he doesn’t know but he’s to deep in thought just to shove it away with nothing to take his mind off it. No, going back now was there…. He takes a drag of his cigarette and holds it a bit to relish the slight burn in his lungs before slowly exhaling it as he wanders deeper into those thoughts. Looking into the smoke like it had all the answers to his problems but not knowing how to see them. As he places the hand holding the cigarette on his chest as he softly pets his cat.

His mom…was a touchy subject, she always left him feeling lost with all the emotions that came up with the thought of her. She made him feel angry, so angry, she made him sad, but the largest was pain that cut so deep somedays it throws him for a spin that leaves him drunk with this aching emptiness that could lead him to doing or trying to do something stupid only to end up sobbing harshly in the dark. Not that she was the only one that left him like that, hell some of his past girlfriends and boyfriends did that too, just leaving him wondering why he wasn’t enough. Like what did he do wrong? It wasn’t his fault her college love left her because life got complicated when he came into the equation, it wasn’t like he asked to be born or anything like that, he understood that at least. But why wasn’t he worth keeping? The dead beat stayed until he was three, then he left, guess his mother thought he would come back and kept him for two years, then she dropped him in and orphanage and ran, not looking back once. It got to him because her last words were “This would never happen if you didn’t come along, it’s all your fault!” The words stroked against his mind for years until one day on his eighth birthday he saw her with a new man and a kid smiling brightly, like he never mattered. He remembers it because it was the first time the seed of anxiety that left him nervous of all adults walking in to adopt a kid turned into a panic attack that he would learn to become familiar with as he got older. And all it took was one look from his mother and the frown on her face and his life came apart, it started with a small cry then a sob and suddenly he felt like he couldn’t breathe like someone was trying to kill him. He could vaguely remember that his mom had tried to get her family to leave the area, so he didn’t ruin her life again as she ruin his in such a way. But her husband insisted on checking on him, the rest was a blur, then he passed out or they sedated him; point was he didn’t see her again for a long time.

At least until the beginning of this week, it left him feeling strange, she looked so shocked to see him, then again, he was working a case with Nines another Red ice and android murder case, so Anderson and Connor were their too. He had admittedly panicked a bit, but it was enough for Nine and Connor to pick up on it, even Anderson noticed, anyway, she had tried to approach him, but he was backpedaling before even physically realized what he was doing. But old scars made it hard not to just react and something that made him feel safe, so he ended up kind of pressing into Nines a bit, with Connor blocking him from view and Hank telling her to leave that it was an active crime scene. It left him wondering why would people that he made fun of and honestly probably made their lives hell, just for living stand up for him. Maybe they already knew he was just a mask to cover the broken pain he fights with everyday with somedays hard than most. He wouldn’t be surprised Hank wasn’t a Lieutenant for no reason, while Connor had access to anyone’s background at a look despite his awkward demeanor; that if he let himself admit was endearing like a kitten taking it’s first steps. And Nines could do everything Connor could do but faster, better, and less awkward but a bit cold unlike warm and friendly Connor.

His views on android had taken a complete turn, he found himself being ok with their presence and deviancy, he can freely admit the way he’s acted towards them was disgusting and wrong. But he had been doing better, he was trying and that was good enough, yeah, he still had his days and all but who doesn’t. He’s knows why he hated them, he used to pretend it was because they couldn’t understand things like humans did, but that certainly a lie now and he can see that now. The real reason for his hate was that androids were another way to show that he wasn’t and may never be good enough for…people, no, someone, but who, he doesn’t specifically know. But he sure it orientates around his mother and some of his ex that leave him felling like he wasn’t good enough because they found someone better. Gavin gives his all in his love life or used to until one relationship led him a little too close to ending it, if Tina hadn’t called and took him out to drink and talking about it only a little then watching over him the rest of the night. Since then he’s been hesitant to get into another serious relationship, but causal affairs were fine or at least at the time they are, after though they leave him feeling empty in a different but just as bad way. The rougher the sex the better because the pain leave a lovely buzz in the back of his mind that he could always revisit and recreate himself anytime he wanted or needed. But he also liked the idea of driving someone to the point where they just can’t hold themselves back; vanilla left him feeling a dangerous lump in his throat because he knows its something he could never have. Even if it was so sweet that someone wanted to treat him in a meaningful way even only if it was for just a night. Point was Gavin was never good enough for someone for long and it was better not to let himself believe only to get hurt again.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door reminding him of what happened today at the station. His mother made another attempt to speak with him that night as he clocked out, he doesn’t know or care on how she found out where he worked, but he froze. She had tried to make up with him saying that she was sorry and when he didn’t (couldn’t) respond…she snapped at him, telling him that her husband had found out that he was her son that ruined her life (she abandoned). Her yelling had called attention of the only people in the parking lot Hank, Chris, Tina, Connor, and Nines, they all decide to come to his “rescue”. He had honestly never seen Chris so mad before in his life, Tina and Hank rounded on her so fast and all together they ripped his own mother a new one, all while Connor and Nines stated the repercussions for harassment. After a few minutes he guesses his discomfort had reach a distressing level because Connor and Nines turned to him telling it was alright, then Nines leading him away and taking his keys. Nines had drove him home to his apartment, it wasn’t the first time he had been there, but somehow it was still different. There was another knock then a soft “Gavin, it’s me. I have something acceptable for you to eat”

He had thought about the way he must look as he got up to open the door or the tears that he hadn’t realized had started to fall down his face. No, all that mattered is that Nines voice and the idea of him being there was so comforting to him that his body reacted before his mind did. And before he knows it he opened the door and looking up at Nines with a lost, confused, pained look that he only ever showed in his apartment by himself. Nines concern was immediate, he looks around the house then takes a good look at him; Gavin didn’t have his jacket or long sleeve shirt on, so his arms were bare, Nines could see that he wasn’t as strong as he played to be. Gavin realizes what he has done, and he tenses as he waits for Nines to look at him with disgust, to laugh at him, to leave, to show everyone at work who he really is, but it never came. Instead a sadness shone in Nines eyes, then a sigh and a soft sympathetic “Oh Gavin…” was what awaited him, and Gavin froze not in fear but confusion because this isn’t what he expected. It must have should because Nines gave him a sad yet warm, soft smile and cupped the side of his face “Let’s go inside, ok?” Nines says softly, and he did without question because he didn’t know what else to do. 

Once they were inside Nines Guide him into the kitchen; he put the food he brought down then gently takes the cigarette from his fingers and put it out, most of it had burned away as he just laid there thinking. As Nines puts the cigarette in the ash tray he looks him in the eyes and for whatever reason it makes Gavin start to really cry and pushes a small “I’m sorry….” out of him. He doesn’t know who what for, but he does, he was sorry for everything he did to Nines, for not being worth the kindness that was being so freely given to him. But all Nines does and shake his head with a soft smile and pulls him in and hugs him to his chest “It’s ok, Gavin….Connor and I made a connection between Hank’s past behavior versus your behavior a few months ago and we realized a lot of your action correlated with depression and anxiety. Officer Chen and Miller were also helpful in understanding you at a somewhat surface level, but…I think I may understand you a bit more after today…” And just like that Nines excused all his harsh comments or physical out lashes as if it was nothing because just maybe he understood him. “Don’t apologize for feeling, just help me understand you…” Nines say as he rubs his back and cradles his fingers through his hair. With that Gavin broke into sobs, all the pain, sadness, anger, self-hate he ever felt and more coming out, all because someone was willing to try to believe in him to listen, but most of all to try to understand, something no one body has ever done for him. The weight of it all has Gavin’s knees buckling and Nines arms tightening around him to be sure he doesn’t fall as he leans into the kitchen counter. 

Gavin didn’t know how long he had cried but it didn’t matter, he felt lighter and he knew everything wasn’t going to be better now and that he could just be happy now because Nines saw he was hurting. But there was almost what seemed like a promise that things were going to be ok from now on that even that there was going to be bad days there was going to be someone there to help him through it. The last part of the chorus plays in the background as Gavin let’s the relief of having Nines set in and he couldn’t help but sing along to it softly as his head leans into Nines shoulder.

But all my friends, they don't know what it's like, what it's like  
They don't understand why I can't sleep through the night  
I've been told that I could take something to fix it  
Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple, ah  
All my friends they don't know what it's like, what it's like

But Gavin smiles into Nines shoulder it was smile because maybe someday things won’t be great but they will be good, because he’ll he ok “Thank you….and I’ll try to explain it the best I can…” he mumbles into Nines shoulder as he hugs Nines back. This was ok….

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if I'll add more to this since it was really on the spot kind of idea.


End file.
